Confessionals, 3: Do not despair …
“Do not despair, one of the thieves was saved. Do not presume, one of the thieves was damned.” (Attr: St Augustine)
—Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been — God, you know what? I have no idea. I have no idea how long it’s been since my last confession. Does it matter?
—Does what matter?
—If I don’t remember. How long it’s been, like.
—No. Shall we just say, ‘It’s been a while.’
—God, it has, that’s for sure.
—Well, then. All that matters is that you come with a contrite—
—Why do I start like that?
—I’m sorry?
—Why are we supposed to start like that? Say how long it’s been and that?
—There’s no need, really. It’s just … a way to start. It can be hard to know how to begin something like a confession. And acknowledging how long it’s been can … well. It can help put things into perspective.
—And I suppose it’ll give you a sense of how long I’ll be in with you. Like, a long time must mean a lot of sins.
—Perhaps.
—Do I just do the main ones, then? The ones that’d get me sent to Hell?
—You can say whatever you like. As long as you come with a contrite …
—God, I don’t even know what the big ones are. Because there are some that are big ones, but I — I wouldn’t think they would be so much of a big deal.
—Such as?
—Well, like anger. That’s one of the big seven, isn’t it. The what do you say, deadly sins.
—Well, anger is a deadly sin. But it depends.
—On what?
—Well, on the anger. Jesus got angry a lot. If you read the New Testament, you’ll see his fury. And God in the Old Testament, too. That’s wrath. Righteous anger. The type of anger that’s sinful is violent, destructive.
—Despair. That’s another one.
—I thought you might say that.
—You did, right?
—Yes. It’s a common misconception. What most people think is despair is just depression. Melancholy. Sadness.
—Just?
—Just?
—You said, ‘Just depression.’ Why ‘just’?
—Well, I mean in comparison to despair. True despair is the unforgivable sin. Far worse than depression.
—Why?
—Well, true despair is having given up any hope of God’s forgiveness. It’s a complete rejection of God’s grace and love. God can only forgive if you ask, so if you’re despairing — well, He can’t forgive you.
—Right.
—So, I imagine you’re talking about depression, yes? You’ve been depressed?
—Yes.
—I’m sorry to hear that.
—But I’ve done the despair thing, as well.
—You have?
—Yes. And I don’t see a way out.
—There is always a way out.
—Not out of this.
—Yes. If you come with a contrite—
—I am in despair.
—But if you come with a contrite—
—I am telling you, I am in despair—
—But with a contrite—
—Totally and utterly—
—Heart, God will—
—I AM IN FUCKING DESPAIR. LISTEN. WILL YOU. LISTEN. I AM IN FUCKING DESPAIR.
—…
—I’m sorry. Please don’t throw me out.
—I’m not going to.
—I just wanted … I won’t be much longer. I just wanted …
—What?
—I just wanted … to see.
—See? See what?
—If there was … if there would be …
—Go on.
—If it was a sin, if it really was going to damn me, if this really would be …
—There is hope; there is …
—Limbo. That for aborted babies, too?
—That’s not — I—
—That is where I would like to go.
—It’s not as simple as—
—To be with him again. Where will he be?
—He?
—Yes, he. I should not have let him go.
—…
—But she told me. She told me it was best. And I lay there and I felt his life go. That’s what I see on all your posters. The little life. The little closed eyes and the tiny hands the the small small feet. He was a life, wasn’t he? He must have been. How I breathed him out. Just minutes.
—So, you—
—I want to go where he has gone. Where has he gone? Tell me. Where has he gone? Tell me. And then tell me how I get there. Tell me, in my despair. Father. Tell me. Please.
Heart rending.